Thursday, May 9, 2013

My head is on fire, but my legs are fine

So I have been much quieter the last few weeks. Truth is, it's largely because I have been spending my free time in my new yard, tending green growing things, digging holes, squashing grubs and trying to wrangle my son away from the temptress that is our street full of speeding cars.

The other part of why is that this activity has left me happier than I have been in a very long time. I've cut down my visits with my councilor to twice a month and have had a much better time with Perfect Mommy and her obnoxious lackeys. My diet changes and the increase in exercise have done wonders, and I am down four pounds and have lost two inches from both my waist and hips. And I still eat ice cream. In fact, I was 'bad' last week when the hormones were at their worst and ate stuff I have been generally trying to avoid, but magically, I did not over indulge in any of it. And at the end of it none of the weight had come back, emotionally or literally. It's proof how much of my weight issues have been related to depression.

I'm not 100%. I don't think I will be for awhile. Paranoia about relationships still hovers behind my thoughts and I have backed out/nearly backed out of fun things as a result. I've found being honest about these times and the emotions that cause them has been really helpful, and my amazing friends have responded with reassurance, frankness and understanding. There have still been a couple of nights where I have cried, but it's been in response to something specific, no longer the crushing doubt over nothing.

I can appreciate and celebrate the wonder that is my life again, and I cannot begin to tell you how that feels. Even when I start to feel overwhelmed or down, I am able to use strategies again to stop the negative cycle of thinking and action. It has also allowed me to address some tough things. Like when baby number two will be coming.

We'd planned on starting to discuss it in January 2014, and have made the difficult decision to push that back to the same time the following year. Some of this is financial, we're more stable than we were three months ago, but we know not to take it for granted. We have no savings to have our backs. The main reason though, is to take care of me. Physically sure, I need two years in between if I want to try and have a natural birth after the C-Sec, but I need more time to recover my sense of who I am and to be just Jack's mom for a little longer. This was hard, because until Jack is an older brother I don't quite feel like our family is whole. Even my husband, who blanches at the thought of doing this again just yet, says he is always looking for 'the other one' (he is an identical twin).

Funny how taking action, no matter how small, gives you some of that control back, and gives you the foundation to build back from depression. I am very thankful for that.

And I will leave you with this:

My son loves most everything, and like his parents he is very affectionate. Today he has hugged the following:

  • Me
  • The cat
  • His uncle
  • The other cat
  • The flour jar
  • His cars
  • The first cat again
  • The jar of chocolate chips
  • His toothbrush
  • A potato
  • A book
  • A box of cake mix
  • The first cat yet again (the second won't tolerate multiple)
It should be noted that all hugs are accompanied by him saying "awwww" and giving a pat.

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