Tuesday, October 29, 2013

A life more ordinary

So it's been two months since I started medication.

I can't even begin to describe the difference.

For me depression was like having my emotions turned all the way up, like being at a party where the music and background noise is so loud you can't even hear yourself when you speak. I felt everything to such an extreme that I couldn't think straight or focus, making every small thing a great big thing.

Depression is different for everyone. Some people feel numb. I get overwhelmed.

It was small at first. I would start to fall apart, picked apart by a paranoia that everyone secretly hated me. But I was able to see it happening and say "I don't want this, it's not going to ruin my day." and I let myself fall apart for a few moments, then made myself return to the presence of people I trusted and enjoy, ignoring that impulse to hide away knowing connecting was what I needed.

Slowly I started to be able to let those insecurities go rather than feed them when they'd arrive. They still come, but I can face them, and it has saved a few of my friendships. I have a lot of good people in my life. They wouldn't be there if I hadn't done something to make them want to be.

I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten, just how miserable I was. How much I had stopped enjoying things I loved and how much I had pulled away. This is the kind of thing we do when we 'suck it up' we hurt ourselves, and by proxy those we care about. I lose my temper less now, I am finding energy to do things again, seek out things I love, and know when it's time to step away from things for awhile.

I'm getting there, slowly, and it's the biggest relief I've had in a long time.

Now if I could just get a car!