Thursday, September 12, 2013

A White Flag

I just got off the phone with my doctor. I'm going on medication.

I really didn't want to. Not because I don't believe it can help, I do and have used it before. Last time I was on it, it was to help me keep calm so I could learn to use strategies to manage my anxiety. It also had all sorts of side effects. The side effects are part of the reason I have avoided it.

I also just didn't want admit I needed them to deal with this. But I do.

My depression is starting to cause issues it never has before. I used to bottle it up, deal with it by myself and that almost literally killed me.

Over the past few weeks I have been learning that doing the opposite is coming off as bitching. It's making people avoid me. People are sick of me. I'm sick of me. And last night I started shutting down.

I feel okay speaking here because mostly if you're reading this it's for a reason. I am not inflicting myself upon you. I am glad I have somewhere, because I don't know what else to do.

My husband, sweet man that he is, suffers from his own depression and says he's 'tired' of me being sad all the time. I know he feels frustrated, because he wants to fix the problem, and doesn't understand that it's not all something that can be fixed. I tried to talk through things with my mom, but things are hard for her too, and that didn't go so well.

I started to vent on G+ and it just seemed so pathetic I took it down. I've decided to stop talking about it, except for my counselor and here. I need people, I don't want to drive them away.

The big issue right now is that my car has broken down and is starting to look like it's not going to recover, which is tough enough even when the same thing happened to your husband's car four weeks prior. We're actually doing a little bit better financially as far as monthly expenses go, but there is no reserve cash anywhere for replacing the car. We were only able to replace my husband's car because of some inheritance my grandfather left my mother, who then gave some to my brother and I.

Not having a car, well, it hinders many of my feel better efforts. No gym, no daycare, no activities outside the house for little man and me. Can't even walk, since the road we live on is narrow and very busy.

But first world problems right? I shouldn't complain. Big picture. Right.

I think that's the hardest part about depression. It's like snowflakes. Sure, we lump it all together and call it 'snow' but no two are the same. So it makes it hard, even if someone else is suffering too, to understand what it's like. It's different for everyone. Some people get angry, some feel numb. I feel overwhelmed, like my emotions are cranked up so loud I can't feel or think straight. All I want is peace and quiet in my head, to be able to think clearly again, to not be paranoid about every relationship and exchange, to not hate myself for every little mistake. To enjoy the things I love again.

So I'm going to try medication. Because while I have a lot of legitimate reason's to be stressed, I shouldn't be crying after my husband and son are asleep, wishing I wasn't so broken. I should be able to deal with this. This moment sucks, but I know my life is good. I just can't hold onto that right now.

1 comment:

  1. Hey there. Just finally checked back here to see if there was anything new and saw this. Good for you for going on medication -- because seriously, raising a toddler is hard enough by itself, without all the other stuff you've been going through, and if you add the lead weights of depression around your ankles on top of that, frankly, it's a wonder you're managing to keep your head above water at ALL. I really admire your ability to stay in the fight, to keep doing amazing things like wonderful art and OMG CAKES despite everything demanding your attention and weighing you down. I could not have done some of those things when I was at a similar point in my life with Maya. So seriously, you should be proud of what you've done. I know that must sound crazy, given all the stuff you want to also be doing, but you should totally give yourself permission to be damn proud of the amazing things you do even as you look forward to when you have the time and resources to do all the other things you also wish you could keep up with.

    If you ever need to vent about how hard it is to someone who will genuinely understand, I'm here. You should see the whiny-bitch posts I made back when Maya was Jack's age (in fact, if you really want to, you can -- they're still up on LJ)... I won't mind listening, and I'll also not freak out if you say stuff like "I don't know how I can keep going like this" and things that I swear EVERY MOTHER THINKS at some point, because it is the hardest job ever. And I know Jack -- he's adorable and awesome, but he is NOT a low-difficulty kid. Seriously... you are playing the Mommy game on Hard, legitimately. Which is EXTRA rough because you're playing the Mommy game on Hard the FIRST TIME.

    So... very glad you're getting medication so that hopefully you'll have a little less pulling you down, and never feel like you're being a wimp -- the obstacles and hardships you're facing are all too very real.

    Much love!