Thursday, May 23, 2013

Learning to say goodbye

"I'm the kind of person who wants to fix everything, "
"Yeah, I noticed"

That was my counselor's response when I was talking about my relationships. Well, really anything given enough glue, duct tape and time.

It's been a very difficult couple of weeks, a large and sweeping drama of stupidity and tears worthy of any soap opera or average day in the life of a high schooler. There were confessions of love (I shit you not) and broken hearts (Not the one you'd expect) and a lot of confusion as to What. The. Hell. Is. Happening.

What is boils down to is a person in my life I care about needs some space to figure themselves out. But their internal problems are being projected onto me as if I were personally sitting in their innards poking their heart with a teeny tiny pitchfork with the cheap cartoon devil get up and everything.

Naturally, I being the one who feels badly for killing the lawn grubs who are trying to destroy my yard, almost started to believe that I was indeed, the bad guy.

But I am not, in fact. I am a good friend, a good WIFE and a good mother. I am a decent human being. I (shockingly) also have feelings and concerns that are all my own. I'm getting better at acknowledging this, and better at pointing it out when even people I love forget it. This person has. They have a hurt that needs a villain, and it cannot be me.

So my counselor said "You can't fix it. You didn't break it, it's not yours to fix." And I had to put down my super glue and remove my cloak of diplomacy and admit that what happens from this moment on is in their hands, not mine. It's going to break my heart, but it was happening anyways the way things were going, and maybe we can recover from this. The friendship is precious to me, I hope it can be saved, but it's out of my control. All I can do is step back, and hope it is as strong as I had always thought.

It is very hard to not see it as giving up. But just like my baby turnips and radishes, the best I can do for it is let it be.

I have fought for a lot of friendships. I have lost a few. Some have recovered. Some linger on, either because my heart cannot let go or I am unable to because of other factors.

I really hope this is "See you later" and not "Goodbye."

No comments:

Post a Comment