1. Remove Disney dvd and insert new yoga dvd since you had to replace the previous one when it mysteriously vanished and reappeared in the toy box.
2. Lay out mat.
3. Remove toddler from mat.
4. Warm up breathing.
5. Remove numerous MatchBox cars that have appeared on your belly.
6. Floor stretches (with added benefit of said cars now appearing in your outstretched hands, for resistance)
7. Standing poses, accompanied by toddler needing to held at that exact moment.
8. Also, he needs a drink.
9. Child's pose, which you discover is called that because your head is at the perfect level for a toddler butt to sit on.
10. Bridge pose.
11. Become jungle gym while trying to do bridge pose.
12. Cool down routine.
13. Take previously mentioned MatchBox to the temple and wonder how you ever relaxed without yoga.
Toddlers are amazing in that they can pour water down the back of your pants and run cackling away into the night, then steal your heart with good night kisses.
Tonight's discussion became about oversensitivity. Something was bothering me, and I had not spoken about it with the parties concerned because I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was 'real' or if I was just being, well, oversensitive. She asked why, and I thought about it.
I love a lot of people. Love for me is easy, since the 8 year old inside of me decided a long time ago that I would love the world and everyone in it. It's harder for me to dislike someone, which sometimes mean I end up in situations not always healthy for me. But trust...now that's hard. Someone shared on the old FB the other day that "You don't always trust someone you love, but always love someone you trust" and boy howdy is that ever right. Deep trust, the kind that says that even when this person may hurt me, I know they love me and don't mean to, that they will be there at the end of the line, the last day on earth, with beer and a seat saved for you. I trust a lot more folk than I used to, but I got hurt a lot, betrayed a lot, and it means for me to truly embrace that this person actually likes me takes time. I can count on one hand the number of people who I knew from the birth of our friendships I could trust, and I married one of them. I know this about myself, I know it sometimes makes me paranoid, a lot more so since the depression got bad, and the constant questioning of my relationships is something I am aware is often an over-reaction.
So I ask myself "am I being paranoid and reading incorrectly what's going on here'? My counselor says not really, at least in this case, and that I should give myself more of a break. Not that I should be paranoid, but that I should remember that my feelings are legitimate, especially where my adult relationships have become ten times as important as pre-baby. She noted how I seemed to be very aware of my friends lives, in that I tried to understand what might be effecting them and their actions, and give passes even when they throw up a red flag. (It stems from the super optimistic ideal I have that all people are inherently good, and act otherwise when they feel threatened in someway) So I should deserve this same kind of awareness too, right?
So tonight I am feeling a lot less worried, and even put myself out somewhere uncomfortable to ease those worries and was rewarded. Tomorrow I will attempt yoga during naptime, when the Matchbox traffic is low, and my water will not be pilfered for nefarious purposes.
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