So today I met my councilor, and happily I think we're a good match. Today was a 'state your issue and sign these papers' day, but it still managed to catch me by surprise for a few reasons.
One, OH MY GOD I COULDN'T STOP TALKING. Everything at once tried to come out so there was a verbal fist fight over what got to be said first I swear I must have sounded like I couldn't decide on a channel and was just surfing through random topics. My brain has always been a bouncy castle of thinking, a derailed train that went in whatever direction it chose and on a whim could go from discussing women's issues in politics to dinosaurs and their comically short arms without a hiccup in conversation. But this was a whole new level of-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL.
I was disappointed when the hour went by, and I realized how badly I had needed to voice some things. It just kept coming and coming. I almost started crying when I admitted how angry I was with myself over so many day to day things. How angry I was that I could not cut certain toxic people from my life without severing others that I care deeply about, and how it made me feel helpless. She noted that these people were bullies, and that their behavior drug out old feelings and anxieties from way back when I couldn't walk a hall way in peace.
All I want to do is be an adult, without the drama. Some people will not let me do that without a fight. And all my magic with warmth and trying to understand will do just as much now with these sparse few as it did back then with kids who lacked the ability to face their own bullies. They seem so much bigger when you're already feeling vulnerable. Ug. Well, it's interesting to say the least.
We talked about Perfect Mommy. She's one of those said bullies. She's a mom too,so she had some of the same confrontations with PM. She thinks that my depression is less hormone related (though it is a factor in my rougher days) and more a reaction to a huge amount of stressful things that have occurred one after the other (and often inside and through) each other.
1. Had first child. BOOYAH.
2. Moved. Twice. Less than a year apart. With a baby/toddler.
3. Lost a family member. Had another have major surgery. Another fight cancer. Another make a life changing choice for a parent, and suffering the guilt despite it being the right choice.
4. Buy first home, finance said home, all on a single income.
5. Lost a pet suddenly. Another required expensive treatments to save his life. Adopted two new pets.
6. Yeah, that baby? Still here through all of the above and his needs change daily.
All of these life events require huge pulls on your body, mind and heart, so no wonder my cope packed a neat little suitcase and skipped town. Essentially: Life is hard, even when it's good, and depression thrives where stress his high. There's some relief in that thought though. It says that this moment where I feel like crying until I puke/running into the woods to live with the bees/screaming until I pass out is just life with depression turning the volume up so loud I can't always think straight. I haven't failed or let my anxiety regain ground in my life, shit is just happening at an amazing rate and it is COMPLETELY OKAY to feel like falling apart as a result.
It may seem small, but I walked away today allowing myself to feel sad, without feeling angry at myself for it. It's a step in the right direction.
The last thing we did is I showed her a video of my son dancing in a cook pot in a collared onesie and little leg warmers yelling 'cheese' with his 'cheesiest' grin. And I was so filled with pride at my goofy munchkin as I told her about how he would take my face in both hands and plant a big ol' Hollywood style kiss on my lips and steal my heart before turning to do the same thing to the cat, that I knew without a doubt that I loved being his mom more than anything else in the world.
The hardest job we'll ever love, indeed.
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